Eight Easy Steps to Resolving Conflict
Your day is going well. You had a good workout. You got out of the house on time. Your coffee didn’t spill on your white shirt. Every light was green. Your front desk staff greeted you with smiles. Your bridge case seated without a hitch. And then, between patients, your dental assistant says, “Can you make some time to meet with me later? I need to discuss something with you.”
Suddenly your beautiful day becomes dreadful.
You are not alone. Most people would rather avoid conflict than address it. Unfortunately, when it comes to conflict, ignorance does not often result in bliss. If there’s a conflict, the best thing to do is acknowledge the situation and work toward the goal of creating a sustainable solution.
The reason that most people avoid conflict is that they don’t know how to navigate it successfully. If most of your experiences dealing with conflict have been negative, you probably won’t want to engage in discussions that might result in conflict. However, conflict is unavoidable, both personally and professionally. Happily, conflict resolution is a skill that can be developed with education and practice.
We have identified eight easy steps to help you deal with conflict.
1. Calm down. You may be shocked and disappointed. You may feel betrayed or rejected. You need to take some time to let your fight-or-flight response play out. If you must walk out of the room, let your partner in conflict know that you need some time, and that once you’re calm, you will be back to discuss the matter.
2. Hypothesize that no one was trying to hurt or upset you. Many conflicts are the result of misunderstandings. If you’re reacting to a misunderstanding, the entire issue is most likely moot. Make sure you have the story right before you create a real conflict by reacting to your own assumptions.
3. Put yourself in the shoes of your partner in conflict. Some people have a hard time understanding a conflicting perspective. Once you do, however, you may find that there is less conflict than you initially perceived. Furthermore, if you can assure your partner that you do understand their perspective, you may deactivate the entire situation.
4. Own what you can. No matter what the conflict is, you may have played a part in creating it. Figure out which thoughts, comments or actions may have contributed to the conflict, and then accept that you are partially to blame.
5. Apologize for the pieces you own. Once you have identified the ways in which you have contributed to the conflict, apologize to your partner in conflict for those thoughts, comments or actions. By acknowledging your part and apologizing for it, you may disarm your partner, who may follow in kind. Sometimes all that’s needed to resolve conflict is an acknowledgment and an apology.
6. Speak calmly about what upset you. You’ve been upset by something, but your partner in conflict may have no idea what is upsetting you. Ask your partner to allow you to speak without interruption. Keep the conversation limited to the matter at hand and describe what you perceive to be the problem. By explaining what you consider to be the source of the conflict, you are giving your partner an opportunity to reexamine the incident through a different lens.
7. Propose a solution. Make sure the solution you propose is one that is agreeable to all parties and can be easily implemented.
8. Leave some space. You’ve calmed yourself down. You’re assuming that no one was out to hurt you. You’ve allowed yourself to see the other point of view. You’ve accepted responsibility for the pieces that belong to you and apologized for them. You’ve spoken calmly about your perception of the conflict, and you’ve proposed a solution. Now it’s time to allow your partner in conflict to digest the information and reply. Make sure to listen courteously, with open ears and an open heart.
Conflict is unavoidable, but the stress that accompanies it is not. Once you have mastered the steps above, we are hopeful that you will be able to navigate the conflicts in your life with grace, ease and professionalism.
Ivy D. Peltz, DDS, MSEd, PhD, MAGD, is retired from private practice in New York City. Eric S. Studley, DDS, is the president and CEO of Eric S. Studley & Associates, an insurance brokerage company specializing in the insurance and financial needs of dentists. They are both retired from academic positions at the New York University College of Dentistry. Together, they co-founded Doccupations, the dental career services component of Eric S. Studley & Associates. To comment on this article, email impact@agd.org.